Fixing the Feng Shui in My Shorts Excerpt | Dan Burt - Comedy Writer

Some?times pets and ani?mals can be a pain in the ass. And when they are, I let every?body know about it. I post about it on Face?book, Twit?ter, and DMX Fan Club forums (until my account was invol?un?tar?ily deac?ti?vated). I even wrote a let?ter to Pent?house ask?ing for advice because I knew they had expe?ri?ence with pets, but they never pub?lished my let?ter or answered me (not count?ing the sub?scrip?tion request). Fol?low?ing are some of the expe?ri?ences I?ve had with pets and ani?mals over the past year, which is also an excerpt from my upcom?ing book, Fix?ing the Feng Shui in My Shorts: A Year of Brain?sick Tweets from a Naive Idiot.

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I need to get some herd?ing dogs that know how to han?dle cephalopods because I?ve got a lot of squid and cut?tle?fish swim?ming loose in my pond.

My pet bird, Chet, keeps pluck?ing itself. Feath?ers are every?where! I glued most of them back on, though.

Can you sue a dog for per?jury? The mutt?s on the wit?ness list for my upcom?ing trial and I don?t trust that son of a?bitch.

I hate to com?plain, but there?s a goat run?ning around the neigh?bor?hood with no respect for the?law.

I had a dream that a ter?rier beat me in craps. The next day when I left for work, I was won?der?ing what the dream meant when I stepped in dog?shit.

Coin?ci?dence or karma? I slapped a Jim Nabors imper?son?ator at the mall, and later a scor?pion jumped out of my brief?case and stung me in the?face.

I bought a new dog col?lar. Now my dog, Buddy, is jeal?ous. He keeps look?ing at me when I wear?it.

My reflexes have dete?ri?o?rated worse than I thought. My pet sloth just beat me in a slap?fight.

I was jump?ing rope in my back?yard when I tripped over a pos?sum that tried to join?in.

My back?pack where I keep my hornet?s nest has been keep?ing me up at night with all the buzzing.

My pet tur?tle, Shelly Berman, said the lamp in the room was too bright. I?m like: What the fuck? Just stay in your shell! He?s always com?plain?ing about?shit.

I need a small fun?nel to force-feed my pet fish, Fidel. He?s not sick; just stub?born. I?m not putting up with a fuck?ing bull?headed anorexic fish.

I need a small Snug?gie for my iguana, Charo. She keeps wear?ing mine and it?s entirely too big for her. She looks ridiculous.

I?ve had it with these fuck?ing deer! I saw one through my tele?scope out in the woods behind my house spy?ing on me with binoculars.

I?m try?ing to teach my dog how to play a har?mon?ica. But when I put it in front of his mouth, the mutt won?t even try to blow; he just licks?it.

I need to call an exter?mi?na?tor because while I was in the bath?room tak?ing a shower, I got stung by a jellyfish.

Had to make a late night trip to Wal?mart because I was out of ham?ster sham?poo (Suave?s Radi?ant Rodent w/Green Tea).

I think something?s wrong with my snake, Moby, because he?s start?ing to grow fur. I?m going to mail Moby to my vet and have her check him?out.

My pet hawk. Hugo, has bub?bles com?ing out of his beak. I bet that jive turkey ate my fuck?ing soap?again.

Damn cow stepped on my cas?sette Walk?man and broke it this morn?ing when I was milk?ing her. I hope the war?ranty cov?ers farm?ing accidents.

Some nights I stand in my back?yard, gaz?ing into the mys?te?ri?ous uni?verse and won?der where my wire-haired ter?rier buried my mood?ring.

I brought my pet goose, Glen?dora, to church. She kept honk?ing through?out the ser?mon, even after I gave her some cough syrup. The com?mo?tion was so embar?rass?ing, I ended up leav?ing church early. I told my wife to try rub?bing Glendora?s tummy when I handed the goose to her when I?left.

The damn dog?s been drink?ing my beer again. Found a cou?ple of empty bot?tles of Moose?head in his dog?house next to his fon?due?pot.

I got into a big fight with my para?keet, Chet, and now he won?t say two words to me (he only knows two?words).

(Orig?i?nally posted at The Yel?low Ham)

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Source: http://www.danburt.com/fixing-the-feng-shui-in-my-shorts-excerpt/

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